To the Mother Who was Never a Mom…

The following is an open letter written by my lovely wife, to her mother.

Warning: Explicit language used.

The one thing the majority of us want in life is to be wanted by your family, friends and those who are lucky enough to love you for the rest of your life. The one thing in life that I always craved was a mom to be a mom. I worked really hard in life to overcome the damage that you left on me.

My entire life I watched you push me away by yelling, cussing and treating me like shit. Later in life, I watched you leave and sneak out of the house to get your fix. You would disappear for days. I would have no idea where you were; I just knew I was supposed to come home from school and take care of little brother. Dad would text me saying that you were arrested again and he needed my help with him. One time, you had to go for thirty days. Dad sat me down and asked me to help with getting little brother up and ready for school every day. Then, I had to rush home to make sure he got home from school and that his homework was done – all the things a mother should do. I’m not mad at Dad for making me take care of my brother; I’m mad at you because you couldn’t care less about becoming the mom you were supposed to be. You chose yourself over everyone else in your life. Always. You always did. I spent more than half of my life trying to be nothing like you, only to realize I was never anything like you to begin with.

As a child, I remember being sick and asking you to make me food because I was home from school with a fever. You refused. You stated that you were cold and you couldn’t get out of bed. Are you serious?! I then attempted to get up, struggling to even make it the thirty feet to the kitchen. Before I even got there, you stated “while you’re up make me some, too.” I said no. I couldn’t even make it to the kitchen, and you told me that if I didn’t make you some I was grounded. I then called my dad at work in tears because the one person that was home and I was supposed to depend on wasn’t there for me when I needed it. My Dad then came home from his lunch break and skipped a meal just so he could feed his sick daughter who couldn’t make it to the kitchen on her own – all because the mother of his child refused to get out of bed because she was cold.

My entire life, you called me names and you made me feel worthless. You chose drugs over me. You chose my little brother over me. We’re both your children; why couldn’t we be equal? It wasn’t my fault you didn’t want me. It wasn’t brother’s fault that you loved him more than me. You fucked me up. What is a child to do when the one person in the whole world that is supposed to teach them love and affection ignores them, treats them like garbage, emotionally abuses them, and leaves them to fend for themselves? Despite the ways you treated me, I hid my feelings from my brother. Why? Because I didn’t want him to know the truth about you. I didn’t want him to have the childhood that you had given me. Dad and I lied and said you were away at work, or you went on a bingo trip with Grandma. We covered it up for you all because we wanted him to have the best childhood he could have.

I was relieved when you went to prison. I didn’t have to deal with you mentally and emotionally hurting me anymore. You missed my high school graduation, and many other big events in my life. After Grandma died, Dad finally left you and moved in with Grandpa and I. I was already living there to get away from you. Watching my Grandma die was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but you weren’t there and you didn’t care. Dad left and moved in. I was relieved little brother would finally live a life without a mom that was in and out. He still had his sister, Dad, and Grandpa and that is all he needed.

I promised myself several years ago that I would never become you. I would never let any kind of substance consume my life. I wouldn’t lie, steal, and manipulate to get my way. I wouldn’t become a “parent” to my children only when it’s convenient for me. I would make something of myself. I’m independent, strong willed, driven and I know what I want with my life now. I have an amazing wife, job, son, friends, and even dogs. No thanks to you. When you found out I was gay, you told family friends that I needed to go get “all dicked up.” What kind of mom says that? When you found out I was engaged and getting married you said “cool.” You didn’t care enough to say congratulations and you didn’t care. I hid the date of my wedding because having you there would have ruined the day.

I was thrilled when I found out Amanda, my beautiful wife, was pregnant. You didn’t care. When our son was born, you acted all excited that you were finally going to be a “grandma.” You’re not his grandma. My stepmom is. You will never be anything to him. You weren’t excited that we were together, engaged, married, and pregnant. Why would you be excited now that he was here?
I was terrified to have kids because I was afraid I would turn out like you.

Now that I have a son,
I will cuddle him every night.

We will have macaroni and cheese with chocolate milk for dinner, just because.

We will have movie nights – his choice.

When we make plans, we will actually follow through.

I won’t forget him like YOU forgot me.

I will always be there for my kids, and tell them every single day how much I love them. I look at my son and how much I love him and wonder how you could ever hurt your child. I love him so much it would kill me to break his heart, like you did mine.

I want to take this time to say that I am slowing trying to heal from all the hurt. I’ve held this grudge for so long on my back that it’s like a backpack full of bricks, and I am slowly learning how to let go.

Just because you didn’t love me doesn’t mean that I don’t have to love myself. I am 24 years old and I am JUST NOW gaining my self-esteem. You really tore me down. I’m building myself up now – without you!

Any ounce of success I’ve tasted hasn’t come from your or your guidance. If anything, you’ve only been a living demonstration of everything I shouldn’t be. I got where I am today with absolutely no help from you. You had your chance to raise me and to become a part of my life, but you blew it. I don’t owe you a single thing!

I’m done letting what you’ve done have such a hold on me. It’s a new year and a new me. I don’t need you, and slowly I am realizing that. I hope whatever you’re doing in life makes you happy, because I know you’ve lost the 3 best things to ever happy to you. Your kids and grandchild. I will be the best mom and it will because you showed me exactly what not to do.

Have a nice life,

Anyone can make a baby.. it takes a special person to be a parent.