To the Mother Who was Never a Mom…

The following is an open letter written by my lovely wife, to her mother.

Warning: Explicit language used.

The one thing the majority of us want in life is to be wanted by your family, friends and those who are lucky enough to love you for the rest of your life. The one thing in life that I always craved was a mom to be a mom. I worked really hard in life to overcome the damage that you left on me.

My entire life I watched you push me away by yelling, cussing and treating me like shit. Later in life, I watched you leave and sneak out of the house to get your fix. You would disappear for days. I would have no idea where you were; I just knew I was supposed to come home from school and take care of little brother. Dad would text me saying that you were arrested again and he needed my help with him. One time, you had to go for thirty days. Dad sat me down and asked me to help with getting little brother up and ready for school every day. Then, I had to rush home to make sure he got home from school and that his homework was done – all the things a mother should do. I’m not mad at Dad for making me take care of my brother; I’m mad at you because you couldn’t care less about becoming the mom you were supposed to be. You chose yourself over everyone else in your life. Always. You always did. I spent more than half of my life trying to be nothing like you, only to realize I was never anything like you to begin with.

As a child, I remember being sick and asking you to make me food because I was home from school with a fever. You refused. You stated that you were cold and you couldn’t get out of bed. Are you serious?! I then attempted to get up, struggling to even make it the thirty feet to the kitchen. Before I even got there, you stated “while you’re up make me some, too.” I said no. I couldn’t even make it to the kitchen, and you told me that if I didn’t make you some I was grounded. I then called my dad at work in tears because the one person that was home and I was supposed to depend on wasn’t there for me when I needed it. My Dad then came home from his lunch break and skipped a meal just so he could feed his sick daughter who couldn’t make it to the kitchen on her own – all because the mother of his child refused to get out of bed because she was cold.

My entire life, you called me names and you made me feel worthless. You chose drugs over me. You chose my little brother over me. We’re both your children; why couldn’t we be equal? It wasn’t my fault you didn’t want me. It wasn’t brother’s fault that you loved him more than me. You fucked me up. What is a child to do when the one person in the whole world that is supposed to teach them love and affection ignores them, treats them like garbage, emotionally abuses them, and leaves them to fend for themselves? Despite the ways you treated me, I hid my feelings from my brother. Why? Because I didn’t want him to know the truth about you. I didn’t want him to have the childhood that you had given me. Dad and I lied and said you were away at work, or you went on a bingo trip with Grandma. We covered it up for you all because we wanted him to have the best childhood he could have.

I was relieved when you went to prison. I didn’t have to deal with you mentally and emotionally hurting me anymore. You missed my high school graduation, and many other big events in my life. After Grandma died, Dad finally left you and moved in with Grandpa and I. I was already living there to get away from you. Watching my Grandma die was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but you weren’t there and you didn’t care. Dad left and moved in. I was relieved little brother would finally live a life without a mom that was in and out. He still had his sister, Dad, and Grandpa and that is all he needed.

I promised myself several years ago that I would never become you. I would never let any kind of substance consume my life. I wouldn’t lie, steal, and manipulate to get my way. I wouldn’t become a “parent” to my children only when it’s convenient for me. I would make something of myself. I’m independent, strong willed, driven and I know what I want with my life now. I have an amazing wife, job, son, friends, and even dogs. No thanks to you. When you found out I was gay, you told family friends that I needed to go get “all dicked up.” What kind of mom says that? When you found out I was engaged and getting married you said “cool.” You didn’t care enough to say congratulations and you didn’t care. I hid the date of my wedding because having you there would have ruined the day.

I was thrilled when I found out Amanda, my beautiful wife, was pregnant. You didn’t care. When our son was born, you acted all excited that you were finally going to be a “grandma.” You’re not his grandma. My stepmom is. You will never be anything to him. You weren’t excited that we were together, engaged, married, and pregnant. Why would you be excited now that he was here?
I was terrified to have kids because I was afraid I would turn out like you.

Now that I have a son,
I will cuddle him every night.

We will have macaroni and cheese with chocolate milk for dinner, just because.

We will have movie nights – his choice.

When we make plans, we will actually follow through.

I won’t forget him like YOU forgot me.

I will always be there for my kids, and tell them every single day how much I love them. I look at my son and how much I love him and wonder how you could ever hurt your child. I love him so much it would kill me to break his heart, like you did mine.

I want to take this time to say that I am slowing trying to heal from all the hurt. I’ve held this grudge for so long on my back that it’s like a backpack full of bricks, and I am slowly learning how to let go.

Just because you didn’t love me doesn’t mean that I don’t have to love myself. I am 24 years old and I am JUST NOW gaining my self-esteem. You really tore me down. I’m building myself up now – without you!

Any ounce of success I’ve tasted hasn’t come from your or your guidance. If anything, you’ve only been a living demonstration of everything I shouldn’t be. I got where I am today with absolutely no help from you. You had your chance to raise me and to become a part of my life, but you blew it. I don’t owe you a single thing!

I’m done letting what you’ve done have such a hold on me. It’s a new year and a new me. I don’t need you, and slowly I am realizing that. I hope whatever you’re doing in life makes you happy, because I know you’ve lost the 3 best things to ever happy to you. Your kids and grandchild. I will be the best mom and it will because you showed me exactly what not to do.

Have a nice life,
Angel

Anyone can make a baby.. it takes a special person to be a parent.

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Amanda

My name is Amanda and I am married to my lovely wife and we have a wonderful son together! I enjoy a little bit of everything, but I am a little obsessed with being a mom, fertility/pregnancy, and being organized!
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74 comments

    1. Thank you:) Even after hearing all the stories, I still find it hard to wrap my brain around how someone could do that to their own child. It’s heartbreaking!

  1. This is such a powerful story! I imagine how hard it was for her to have such a difficult childhood! She is really a very strong women, you are lucky to have her in your life!

  2. Unfortunately I have seen a lot of this heart break in my life with friends. I feel so blessed to have such a functioning family but I know this is not the case with everyone. I am glad to see that you did rise above the circumstances you had no control over. Very powerful story.

  3. This is so heartbreaking, I always find it hard to understand mothers who treat their children like this. Your wife must be an extremely strong woman to come out the other side so strong and full of life. I’ve seen so many others turn to drugs themselves or get lost without their mothers love.

  4. Wow, what a powerful post. I’m sorry you had to endure such a hurtful childhood. You look so very happy in the picture with your son. I’m so happy for you that life is going well now.

  5. Wow this is really powerful. It really makes me thankful and appreciative of my own parents even though they weren’t perfect. Thank you so much for sharing, it was an eye opening read.

    1. Thank you! No problem! I felt the same way when she first started telling me all this. I have become so much more appreciative of my own parents that is for sure.

  6. My heart goes out to you and your family for all you’ve had to witness. I’m glad your brother and you were able to have a father and other family members who really cared. Enjoy these moments with your little one…those are the ones that matter most.

  7. I’m so sorry you had to go through all of this as a child. Good for you for getting it all out and refusing to let it have a hold over you anymore. You are making a beautiful life for yourself with your wife and your gorgeous son and I have no doubt you will be a fantastic mom.

  8. I am literally sitting here in tears.
    I have a very similar story to you and I think that’s why it hit so hard.
    You turned into a beautiful and strong woman, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

  9. Dear Angel, you sound like you are the complete opposite of your mum. You are loving, caring and you are paving your own way. I am so sorry that you went through this, no one should ever be treated this way. Sending hugs and love to you. from another mum who wasn’t treated all that nicely be people who should always have your back xx

  10. Jesus this really made me feel a huge wave of emotion. Angry at what your mother did to you and how she did not accept you, sympathy because no child should have to feel like that and compassion because I know what that feels like too. My mother always saw herself as her number one priority and its always been that way. She abandoned me to run off with another man and watched my dad’s wife, my stepmother physically and emotionally abuse me. I grew up without my mum giving a flying f**k, when I went into care after years of abuse at the age of 10, social services got back in contact with her and she was there, for a little bit. But she was needy and made me feel bad about myself, she made up lies to get my attention. Its been nearly two years since I last saw her, my dad I haven’t seen since I was 10 because he still lives with the woman who abused me. The woman who took away all my self -confidence. But I don’t hate anyone, I made my peace a long time ago and I am better off for what they have done to me. You and your wife are both lovely, strong people and your dad/ gramps sounds like amazing people. I grew up without a mum and dad and I turned out just fine. So did you x

  11. I admire your strength and bravery to share this story. I was all teary after reading it. It’s good to see you somehow put you past behind and live a happy and fulfilling life with your beautiful son and partner. I love the quote at the end of your post. Powerful!

  12. I can relate a lot to this story. My father was a very abusive man and I did not have a good younger life because of it. I cut him out of my life. It is because of that I never felt I could be a mom and I still wrestle with it. I have a beautiful step daughter and even though her dad and I split up, she is still very much a part of my life. I learned that I actually make a pretty good mom.

  13. Even though I don’t know personally what this feels like, your post opened my eyes into the world. I am so sorry for any child and that you had to deal with something like this.

  14. It takes a lot of courage to put a childhood like that to paper, much less on the internet. However, that’s how people can begin to heal and take stock of what’s important. Sounds like your wife is moving in the right direction. 🙂 Just because someone is blood-related doesn’t mean it’s healthy to keep them around. Sometimes friends make the best family.

  15. To write this and share it with everyone is so incredibly brave. You are not, nor will you ever be, the woman who gave birth to you. Enjoy that sweet baby boy – they grow so incredibly fast!

  16. I loved reading your post. You have written this so honestly and beautifully. I’m feeling nostalgic after reading this. This is something really brave and appreciating!

  17. I’m sorry your wife had to go through such a tough childhood. I can never imagine doing those to my twins. Kids are treasures that we must cherish and take care of for the rest of our lives. I’m glad that she found you and that together you guys are building the family she has always dreamed of. She’s an amazing mom and so are you! Love to you both!

  18. I feel so bad that a child had to go through this and it’s even more painful that her mother never even bothered to make an effort until now. I’m glad though that your wife is finally gaining the confidence and the happiness that she lost when she was still young through you and your baby.

  19. Such a heartbreaking story – I’m sorry for all things you’ve gone through but in the end it has made you the amazing person you are and I’m absolutely sure you are a beautiful mum to your little baby! Such a touching story xxx

  20. I’m so sorry that you have gone through so much. I am glad you are strong and didn’t let this stop you from loving and living life. Happy 2017 and to a new you 🙂

  21. I am so glad you finally found happiness! So many people let their past define their future. Thank you for sharing so others in a similar situation may know it IS possible to break the cycle.

  22. Sometimes we take for granted how wonderful our mothers are. I’ve seen some pretty bad ones, and my mom is currently serving as a foster mother to another teenage girl. My sister seems a bit jealous, but I am so happy to share my wonderful mom with someone who needs one. I am glad you were able to leave. You’ll be a great mom!

  23. What an unfortunate struggle you had. Glad you turned it into triumph! I guess I have always taken my amazing mother for granted. Time to tell her just how much I appreciate her! Thanks for sharing.

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