My wife and I’s journey to become parents was a bit of a long one. Not necessarily in the actual trying part of it (we got lucky on that one) but certainly in the time I took to research our reproductive systems, logistics of creating a baby with donor sperm, the legal side of things, and even my own body. This process, honestly, was about 2 years from start to finish. From when I first started my research until we got our BFP (big fat positive on a pregnancy test).

In this time I got involved in many different online groups that were solely focused on women TTC (trying to conceive). While I learned a wealth of information from these ladies I also saw many things that made me cringe. A lot of it had to do with misinformation, but we will get to that on another post. But there were many things that were said that you just shouldn’t say to a woman TTC. Granted, I know most of these were said with good intentions. I don’t believe most of them were said out of spite or maliciousness. But hopefully this post makes you think twice about making one of these comments to someone struggling with fertility or even someone just starting out.

1. It’ll happen when you least expect it.

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When you are TTC, it literally consumes you. So trying to “not expect it” is close to impossible. Even if you put down the OPKs (ovulation predictor kit) and the Basal Body Thermometer, quit checking your CM (cervical mucus) and just stop tracking all together. You will STILL be expecting it. It’s always going to be a thought in the back of your head. So saying this is just a waste of your time.

2. Just Relax

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This is my biggest one that I hate. Kind of like the previous one it is very hard to just relax. Someone will come at you and tell you their brother’s best friend’s cat’s cousin just quit trying and relaxed and boom! They were pregnant. It was merely a coincidence. Relaxing can certainly help your mental state of course, but I’m betting a person TTC is already trying to relax the best they can so telling them to do that is probably just going to stress them out more.

Also, if you are ovulating regularly then you really don’t have to worry about the relaxation part of it anyway. Stress CAN delay ovulation but if you are having normal cycles, it’s not something you need to be worried about. The only thing you need to worry about is relaxing enough to achieve the big O when the big day comes to make sure all those little swimmers get up to where they need to be. If you can do that, you’re golden.

3. God didn’t Mean for you to have Kids

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Ok, I’m about to get religious with you all. I am a spiritual person and I believe in god. However, I do not believe for one second that God would purposely put a person through that kind of pain. If he does, he’s not the kind of God that I want to believe in. Honestly.

When you are trying to have a baby, generally, you are not just doing it for s**ts and giggles. You are doing it because it’s one of your deepest desires. Something you want more than anything in this world. And for someone to tell another person that their creator doesn’t want them to achieve their deepest desires is so incredibly wrong. Please don’t say this. Ever.

4. Shouldn’t you lose some weight (or gain it) before you start TTC?

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As a general rule of thumb, you shouldn’t bring up someone’s weight like ever. Just don’t do it. Odds are the person knows their weight issue. Trust me, as a big girl, I know I need to lose some weight. Do you really think I wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and say “oh how perfectly healthy I look!”. No, I don’t. So no matter how “concerned” and feel you are doing it in their best interest. Just don’t.

When I was doing my research I was also trying to lose weight. It didn’t happen. TTC consumed me. We were also planning a wedding. That consumed me. It was a really difficult time to focus on it. Plus, I was ovulating like normal so my weight didn’t seem to be hindering the actual TTC process. It’s been proven that overweight women can have perfectly healthy pregnancies and so can underweight women.

I can guarantee whoever you try to say this to is trying to work on it. They really are, for the health of their unborn baby. So this comment is really unnecessary and almost rude.

5. Are you sure you want one?

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Usually people follow this one up with things like “I haven’t slept in 7 years” or “mine just smeared poop all over the wall” or other woes of parenting. More than likely the person TTC has a general idea of what goes into parenting. The good and certainly the bad. But obviously they think it’s worth it.  So yes, before you ask, they are sure.

6. You have 1 boy and 1 girl. Do you really need another?

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I’ve never really understood this concept like I guess procreating is all about making sure you get one of each gender. I just can’t wrap my brain around it. But really, no matter how many kids a person has, if they have the means to have another you really shouldn’t comment on their family size. And the reason someone wants another or one to begin with is really none of your business or concern.

7. Just be Happy with the Ones you Have.

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Of course the person trying for more is happy with the ones they have and loves them more than life itself. But is it really so wrong for them to want another? For their kids to have siblings? No. It’s not. And just like the one above. It’s none of your business what their family size is.

8. Be Glad you don’t Have Kids.

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I think this one is just plain insensitive. So a person is suppose to be happy the one thing they want in this world is not coming to be? Or not coming as quickly as they had hoped? No. Rude.

9. You can always Adopt.

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I’m pretty positive most people TTC who have been in the process quite some time know about adoption. Adoption can be a lengthy and costly process. So is it really such a bad thing for them to keep trying for a miracle while they do more research on that process and obtain those funds to do so? Is it really so bad for someone to want to experience creating their own flesh and blood? Pregnancy and birth are such a unique and special experience. I know there’s several people out there who want nothing to do with it, and that’s perfectly ok. But it shouldn’t be a bad thing for people to desperately want to experience it as well.

10. You are too Young/Old.

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If a person has the means, it doesn’t matter if someone’s fresh out of college or over 40. When someone chooses to create a family is none of your concern. (catching on to a theme here?)

11. You can just have One of Mine.

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No, we definitely don’t want one of yours. We want our own. That’s kind of the point.

Ok. So that’s it. So hopefully if you are ever talking with someone about their TTC struggles, I hope none of these slip out. The best thing you can do for them is to just be there. Be a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and someone to cheer on their successes.

-Amanda

 

 

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Amanda

My name is Amanda and I am married to my lovely wife and we have a wonderful son together! I enjoy a little bit of everything, but I am a little obsessed with being a mom, fertility/pregnancy, and being organized!
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49 thoughts on “11 Things to Never Say to a Woman TTC

  1. I feel sorry for people who end up sticking their foot in their mouth at the worst times. Thankfully I’ve NEVER said any of this to someone trying to have a baby, I can’t imagine who would be so callous as to make these kind of remarks. Best wishes on your journey! xoxo Robin

    1. Unfortunately I have stuck my foot in my mouth more than I care to admit. But I always learn from the situations what not to do if it ever happens again. Thank you!

  2. I like that you mentioned the one about people saying God must not want certain people to have children. I personally believe in God too, and I believe that He created each and every one of us with certain dreams and wished built in. He created us with dreams so that we could achieve them, whether that’s having a baby or running a marathon – God doesn’t fill us with dreams just to watch us fail. Not my God, anyway – He doesn’t work like that.

    I am guilty of suggesting adoption though – adoption doesn’t necessarily have to be an expensive process, depending on how set you are on where you child comes from and how old they are when they come to you. If you’re set on a baby, then yes, it’s a bit harder. But the truth is, the American legal system is FULL of kids that need homes and families, and they can often be adopted just for the cost of proceedings. We’re talking hundreds of dollars as opposed to thousands – and this is just as legitimate of a way to bring a child into a family. That being said, while adoption is a perfect path for some people, it isn’t for others, and I suppose that’s why this particular bit landed on your list.

    Any of these suggestions, if they must be made (which I’ll agree, most SHOULDN’T be mentioned – like, omg, someone’s weight? Really? How rude!), should definitely be made very carefully and with loving compassion.

  3. I tried to conceive for around 5 years. When I stopped trying, I got pregnant. This happens to a lot of women, so I think that is why that is said so often. When you are constantly trying it builds up stress. I know this advice is never taken well.

  4. OMG YOU ARE SOOOOO RIGHT about all of these things! ALL of them! I may not be able to have children and sure, right now, I am ok with it, but that’s because I am unsure about if I want them or not – but if people started saying “it will happen when you least expect it” – I think I would punch them in the face, ha!

  5. So true and a few of these really resonated with me and brought back some sad memories: 3, 5 & 9. Then #6 after I had my twins (B&G). My twins were my 5th pregnancy. Many hugs ladies!

  6. I haven’t had children yet but cannot believe that some people would say these things! Well, actually I can sadly and not to excuse it in any way but some people just don’t know how to respond and become awkward so don’t think before their words spill out! Not nice and very annoying!

    1. Ya, I can be that totally awkward person too. A friend of mine recently came to me about her struggles with TTC and after i ran through my internal list of what not to say all i could say was “it’ll happen and keep your head up”. And really that’s all she needed because with a few weeks she was pregnant lol. But ya, most of these probably have good intentions behind them but still make me cringe when I hear/see them.

  7. I agree with all of these! What I get now literally everyday is “when are you having another one! My little boy is 4 now and apparently everyone in the world thinks it’s there business when we have another!
    Lianne | Makes, Bakes and Decor

    1. That one keeps coming up too! It’s no one’s business. And who’s to say you aren’t perfectly content with just one?!

  8. I know a couple who were hounded for years about why they hadn’t had children yet. Turns out they had severe fertility issues. It is so cruel when people don’t think about the effects of their words on others.

  9. Those suggestions are all so true. I think the relax one is the funniest. It’s totally true. Yes, it is easier to get pregnant when you can relax about it, but those of us who have had issues are definitely not in positions where it is easy to relax about it! That’s like saying, “Don’t think about an elephant!”

  10. Oh my gosh, the first two hit home for me. I’ve been TTC for almost 6 months now and I can’t tell you how many times people tell me “just don’t worry about it” “relax, it’ll happen…” Ok, um, like when b***h since you apparently know all??? lol thanks for posting, it is nice to know someone else who’s been on the baby struggle bus!

  11. People say the dumbest things. We choose not to have children and we get a a lot of these same comments. “You should adopt if you don’t want kids” “You will change your mind” “You are too young to decide” my favourite one is “You are depriving your husbands right to be a father” —- UH, if he wanted to be a father, he wouldn’t have married me! Sigh, end of rant. Whether people choose to have kids or not, or how they choose to go about it, is nobody’s business! Great post, I loved the memes.

    1. Yes!! I see that all the time too. It drives me insane. Whether someone wants 6 kids or doesn’t want any, that’s their business and leave them be!

  12. I really love this post. So many times people think that they are giving the best advice that they can but really they are making it worse.

  13. Wow! People can be really insensitive. I’ve never gone through this but it would be better to hear encouraging words than these statements.

  14. I am genuinely shocked that some people would be insensitive enough to say some of these things! I would hope people would offer encouragement and hope more often than not.

  15. AGHHHHH. I would lose it if anyone said this to me. I also hate when people try to compare experiences. Everyone’s experience is their own experience. Don’t try to be relatable and tell me about the time that you know exactly how I must feel because __________.

  16. People do say some … unusual things. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, and hope that they’re just trying to say something appropriate and have just been caught off-guard. But I appreciate posts like this, because they make me think a bit before the next time I might make a comment that might not be encouraging!!

  17. I just try to stay out of EVERYONE’S business as a general rule of thumb.
    I thought your MEME placement was EPIC although some of them – with the scrolling made me dizzy haha due to MY lack of sleep! 🙂
    Good luck on your journey and I did finally learn what TTC means! LOL

  18. I haven’t had babies yet but I’m over 30 now and have lost track of the number of times people have asked when I’m going to have a baby! I think some people just don’t think before speaking sometimes and don’t realise that what they see as a throwaway comment can actually be really hurtful!

  19. Honestly can’t believe that people say any of these things. I have no kids and am not currently trying, but want them more than anything in the future. Some of these things would probably break me to hear! X

  20. I have actually been told most of these! What is wrong with people?!? People need to get a filter! Now that I have miraculously conceived (not due to “relaxing” or “letting it happen”) I laughed out loud at your post!

  21. Many of these things shouldn’t be said in many different situations. I think some of it is people not knowing what to say; open mouth, insert foot syndrome; or sadly in some cases, plain rudeness. I like how you put a positive spin on things and explain why these things should not be said.

  22. These are all right on point. Why do other women feel the need to point out our weight loss/gain? I know perfectly well if I’m gaining weight or not. And to relax, that really made me irritated sometimes. Great post, something I can totally relate.

  23. hahaha, hilarious post. I guess all of them make perfect sense though I think that some of the stuff people say including the above is just in order to make the woman feel better. They probably don’t know what say and try to comfort them somehow.

    1. Ya, I do like to give most people the benefit of the doubt. But hopefully this helps them come up with something different next time 🙂

  24. This resonates SO deeply with me… I’ve heard nearly every single thing on this list at one time or another! People are so insensitive.

  25. LOL love this post! My boyfriend will say “Just relax” to me and -boy does it get me angry. All of these are a big no-no! Too funny! xx Carly || thecarlycollective.com

  26. It’s tough to hear that women have experienced this, but it’s the unfortunate truth. There are too many insensitive people out there. I’m sorry you experienced this firsthand as well. Every statement is just insulting.

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